Control issues… under control

From the Archives

Originally published March 11, 2013

Ever feel as if your life – personal, social, professional, or otherwise – is spinning wildly out of control? That’s what it’s like to be inside my head 24/7. Hello, my name is irrelevant, and I’m a control freak. (This where you all in the circle say hello and repeat my name.) I’m actually in a really strong place mentally (this is where you all laugh) for the first time in a long time, maybe two years. And I’m already way ahead of myself. Take a look at what’s happened in the last two years to get where this is going…

Two years ago this month, I stopped talking about quitting a very comfortable – and confining – job in the nonprofit sector in favor of pursuing some other business and personal interests. I stopped talking about quitting, so I could do it without going broke or insane. (Didn’t realize it was too late for the latter.)

I left that job – and all the control it gave me over other aspects of my life – and chased a few dreams. I blew a little over half a million, did little to harness my phobias about traveling, and updated my will religiously as I squandered some found money. And five months ago, I started working regularly again – I had been underemployed until then – because I recognized in myself the need for something – ANYTHING – routine and regular to balance this urge to live a spontaneous and undisciplined life. It’s just not me.

For the first time in two years, I’m coming back out of the woods financially and learning to control the need to be IN control of every little aspect of my life. (It’s a problem for me not to have control or to have some illusion of control.) This rant isn’t about finding some balance or moving toward any balance in my life; it’s just a verbal pat on my own back, some much needed stroking, to remind myself that I can begin living again – even without all the pieces of this insane puzzle in perfect place. I guess I’m publicly acknowledging that I’m OK not being in total control and that my need to appear to be in control is… well, finally under control again.

You may be shaking or nodding your head – or listening to music and tapping your foot instead – as you read this. If this reaches you on any level, feel free to share in comments about some deeply rooted part of you that used to own you – and perhaps still does – that you struggle(d) to bring into submission. It’s humbling and liberating. Share.